The Advice My Dad Should have Shared when I was Younger

I grew up in a world where the only acceptable male emotions were anger, aggression, dominance, and narcissistic pride. Anything else was weakness and made you “gay.”

My dad Terry is a complicated figure in my life. While I love him, it has taken a long time for me to like him. I have known him as a teacher, fisherman, hunter, builder, philanderer and monster. While I have mostly identified him as my father (I tried to deny him once, but that’s a different story), about six years ago he graduated to being my dad.

When I was 5-years old, my parents finally divorced. For nearly twelve years, I was forced to endure every other weekend visits with Terry. It was torturous being with the monster; he was demanding, unloving, and aloof. My only saving grace was the bow and arrow set he bought me when I was 9-years old. It was a kids’ toy, nothing dangerous for the time. Though today, it would require a background check and a license.

I would escape the confines of the house and shoot arrows great distances imagining a hay bale as a woolly mammoth or a flock of sparrows as swarming pterodactyls. As I aged, I graduated from a toy bow and arrow to a lawn darts, a BB gun, then a shotgun after I got my safety license at age eleven.

On Sunday mornings, Terry and my step-mom would load my brother and me into the truck and take us to church where I got to see the major contradiction in his life surface. He was charming and warm; inviting people to be with God and singing bible hymns with great vigor. Once back in the truck, his soured puss would return as he pontificated what was wrong with the people at church. Years later, we stopped attending church because the pastor was too liberal for letting a woman lead the choir.

This was my childhood every other weekend. Yes, he did buy me a computer and eventually my first car, but everything always had a price attached. I swear I have a tab sitting in his office that he will expect me to pay after I finish my PhD. Sadly, I am sure this is true for a lot of people.

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