The Solitude of Prime Numbers

A brutally honest illustration about life and the choices we make

To be honest, I do not know where to begin.

There are so many thoughts swimming around in my mind, some of them entangled around one another and some of them latching on to the corners of my mind like seeds hooking onto the fabric of clothes when people brush by.

Reading books has always been therapeutic for me, allowing me to escape from reality and then leaving a tattoo behind, printed on my mind. Sometimes the tattoo is temporary and lasts only a day, while sometimes the tattoo lasts longer for up to a week. However, this particular book has left a tattoo so deep and so defined that I figure will stay for a long time. Hence, I have decided to dedicate a post about it. (Disclaimer: Spoiler alert!)

Essentially, the book alternates between the perspectives of the two main characters — Alice and Mattia. It starts from the time when they were both young kids, and then progresses all the way till they have become adults.

Alice is the embodiment of someone who is rejected by the world; Mattia embodies one who rejects the world.

I like how the author crafted the characters of the story, and bringing those two polar opposites together through something universal — human insecurities. The language used by Paolo Giordano was also easy to read, without convoluted sentence structures nor bombastic words. Altogether, it made my reading enjoyable, immersive and relatable.

There are a few takeaways that stand out the most to me:

Another related concept introduced in this story is the weight of consequences. Every choice we make will determine the trajectory of our future. I learnt this many years ago when I was still a young child. Once I learnt it, I became aware of the severity of decisions I make. However, it became too extreme that I had an issue with decision paralysis. The pressure I put on myself to make the best/right decision was overwhelming and killing me. At times, decisions I made turned out to be disastrous and that would stress me out even more.

Therefore, though I recognize the truth of that statement, I do not take it so seriously anymore. I have learnt how to discern between important decisions and the trivial ones, as well as how much assessment I should dedicate to each decision accordingly.

Even if I have made a wrong important decision, I have learnt to take it in my stride and to just tell myself “hey, no big deal, that’s how life is”.

In the story, we see how love can be shallow and how love can be so deep-seated. Alice and Mattia are polar opposites, yet the longing they have for each other transcends time and distance. The saddest part is that although both of them were ready to leave their lives behind to be together, they were also both chained down by the weights of consequences of their past decisions. They each had grievances that remain unspoken and unknown to the other party even till the end.

I felt that this was a very raw part that resonated with me. In reality, we are inclined and even obliged to act as responsible adults. Thus, it carries with it the weight of consequences of the choices we made in the past. No matter how much we want something, we are held back by this weight and simply cannot act against it. Even though it limits our possibilities, it arguably grants slightly more order within this chaotic world.

This leads me to a topic which has been tugging at the back of my mind for quite some time — love. I looked back on my past relationships and wonder to myself: If I could only choose one, would I rather love someone who doesn’t love me back, or be loved by someone who I don’t love? Will I ever find someone I love who loves me back in the same way?

At first glance, this looks like a really cryptic message. But it got my brain cracking and thinking of different interpretations for it.

First, it tells us that when we think something coming at us from behind is far behind, it is actually nearer than we think. We need to be more wary of others overtaking us from behind. It may appear like we have time to keep up, but we are more often wrong than not.

Second, things that we put behind us are actually closer than we think they are. The same goes for people. When we put the past behind us, be it a negative experience or a relationship, the memories might just come back to us more often than we want them to. We think we have moved on and gone far, but we are caught off-guard when we lie back and get triggers again.

Paolo Giordano had revealed the ugly sides of life through this poignant story. It makes readers question their own life decisions and their quest to fill their void of insecurities. I thank him for writing this beautiful story, with a title so apt that none other can match up to it.

After a few hours of deliberating, I decided to add a personal touch to this post. Being someone who shuns the public light, I am a very private person who doesn’t share much to others. Hence, it required a lot of courage for me to share this on this platform.

I had once been very close to someone (referred to as H from hereon). We would go through the daily mundane tasks together, for a couple of years straight. Sure, there are days we would disagree and fight, but we would make up soon after. However, H made decisions which pulled us apart. H strayed from the path and no matter how hard I tried to reign H in, H just repelled even further. It got harder to communicate with H and our trust for one another was breaking down hard. Many years later on, here I am and H is far away. We meet up every now and then, but I can sense that both of us are no longer what we used to be. I felt like Alice looking at Mattia when Mattia was driving. H has changed and our conversations will never be the way it was.

The silence between us, with only the radio songs and without our crazy singing, is louder than any noise.

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