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The Single Reason Behind All Your Failures

All my life I have been a failure.

Up until very recently, everything I tried to do just failed miserably. And I am still paying the cost of all my mistakes, behind which lies the one and only Mistake.

So this is no success story, and I am not speaking from the standpoint of someone who has proven much worthy or right. Why listen to me at all?

Because at the same time, this is a great success story.

Because I am no failure anymore.

I have been shining for a while now, and the turning point of my life was when I acknowledged the single reason behind all of my failures and my mistakes:

I was not doing what I really wanted to do.

That may sound quite obvious and dumb, but is really quite the opposite of that.

I guess 99% of the people in this fucking world are not doing what they want. And this is the reason why they fail. Or rather, we should say: they feel like failures. As there ain’t no objective measure for success, of course. It is all about your own perception of things, life, yourself.

How can one be oneself? How can one not be oneself?

Isn’t that all stale new age propaganda?

No, it’s not.

There’s actually one way of being oneself which is not like any other.

And it’s the one of acknowledging what you are truly called to be and to do in this life.

For me, this was Tantra.

Tantra is just a word. And a particularly empty and annoying one, which I never liked.

But this word Tantra can identify pretty conveniently what I am trying to be and to do. So it is useful for me now. It comes handy, at least until I find something better or the course of events has brought me to a next stage.

Tantra works much better than, for instance: Yoga.

I have been a Yoga teacher for eleven years.

But what did that really mean to me?

It meant hiding behind a label which made me feel comfortably safe, provided some income and was close enough to what I wanted to be and to do to give me an acceptable delusion of fulfilment.

Close enough is shit. And this shit will bring you down.

Wait, wait.

Let me just piss you off by now reversing the whole argument:

Life makes no mistakes.

In a way, everything that happened just needed to happen. And there is no ‘I should’ve been’ that stands a chance. There is no way I could have been any different from what I was.

The Universe unfolds itself the way it is supposed to. And even now, I’m light years from that true version of myself I’m blathering about.

But there is a turning point. A free choice. A condition of the soul in which you are the true owner and master of your existence. And it’s all about dissolving the veil of shame and fear that hides your core self.

Once you decide to dive into that mud, into that dense dark forest of thorns and dangerous creatures, you will start to glimpse recurring ideas. Ideas about yourself, your desires, your ambitions and you vision of life, that are just as persistent as your stubbornness to reject them.

You may have been the hero of your own journey from day one.

But if you felt the curiosity to check out an article called The Single Reason Behind All Your Failures, you are most probably not.

You just feel as failed as I did. As empty as I was feeling when I was doing something that everybody else admired but just wasn’t meaningful enough for me. It was nothing but the best version of myself that i thought the world could bear. In other words: a fake and a compromise.

Mind you: I am not against compromising. There are so many instances in life in which compromising is fine and proper.

It is about facing the embarrassment of who you really are, overcoming it, and beginning to feel proud of it.

Yes, because amongst this cloud of thoughts and visions surrounding your core self, you will not find yourself in an easy company. Something will feel inconsistent, impure, out of place, heretic.

These contradictions are what makes you unique, and that’s the true source of all the shame.

You want to be an architect, or a chef, or a doctor, an artist, a wife or a bachelor, but not like any other architect, chef, doctor, artist, wife or bachelor. There is something within you that will make you clash agains any class or set of people you may wish to belong with. And there’s a large part of you that is strongly demanding you just be like any other, conform, follow, act like them.

Or maybe all you wish from life is to follow and conform, and here’s an asshole like me telling you that you have to be unique. And things are just so crazy that this is quite as possible and fine as the other way around!

The only way to assess which is which is to take a close and cruel look at your life and admit to yourself how things are working out for you.

If you feel like any attempt you’re making to fulfil your wishes is somewhat bouncing back at you. If a lot of minor nuisances are constantly building up into a general sense of weariness. Than you know you are not doing what you really want to do. It may be so close. So close that you’ll think it is impossible that all the misery is due to that insignificant gap.

Your unconscious mind — the operative agent of your core self — knows no mercy: it will cunningly sabotage all of our attempts until you acknowledge the full truth.

I wanted to be a yoga teacher but my true feelings about nutrition, economy, society, sex, family, yoga practice, did not match the expectations of my public.

Now i present myself as a Tantra teacher but also my views on Tantra are sure out of the world for many of my colleagues and clients and friends.

I like jerking off and watching porn.

I smoke weed and disregard tradition.

I appraise homosexuality, but at the same time see having family and children as a necessary step in a fulfilling life journey. I am both radical and conservative.

These and thousands other facets of myself will make me appreciated by some and disliked by others.

Who cares?

Any other combination would be equally questionable.

But at least this is mine.

And as I gather up the guts to make it stand forth, I notice something else happening: i find myself more tolerant, more in peace with the world, more loving and respectful of people different from me, but in their own right, just as unique.

Photo: Devoid Android by Mike Harless

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